Principles & Techniques for Working with Conflict Avoidant Couples
In my last post, I shared 4 key insights that can help you lay the groundwork for counseling couples who shy away from conflict. In looking at the challenges posed by this pattern, it’s clear that conflict avoidance reveals itself in many ways. Your first clue may be the long, tense silences that follow when […]
Understanding the Hidden Dangers of Conflict Avoidance
You’ve seen the pattern before. A couple comes to you, seeking help with tension that they just can’t understand or resolve. As you’re working to build openness and trust with them, you begin to notice that one or both partners react strongly when there’s the slightest hint of difference or disagreement. What happens next may […]
Conflict Avoidant Couples Grow by Learning to Handle Emotional Intensity
When a couple with a long-term conflict-avoidant history comes to see you, change is often excruciatingly slow. You may wonder, “Am I being effective?” Here is why these couples are challenging: Many partners wait for their spouses to take the active role, while they remain passive or inactive themselves. These partners usually want better relationships […]
Conference Highlights from the Psychotherapy Networker Symposium
As I fly home from the vibrant energy of the Psychotherapy Networker Symposium in Washington, DC, I’m reflecting on what an exceptional conference it was. I spent three inspiring days attending thought-provoking workshops, viewing excellent clinical videos, and renewing heartfelt connections with longtime friends, Developmental Model trainers, and trainees. Here are a few key highlights […]
Conflict avoidance comes in many forms.
Conflict avoidance comes in many forms. Do you recognize these? 1. Some couples avoid so many issues that you feel enormous tension just sitting in the room with them. For years they have shied away from discussing any issues that are potentially high-conflict. 2. These friendly conflict avoiders are warm, gracious and engaging. They just […]
Working with Couples Who Are Stuck – How The Developmental Model Helps You
As relationships grow and develop, we often see couples who have gotten stuck in a particular developmental stage. When you approach couples therapy from a developmental framework, you can assess and diagnose each partner’s developmental stage and use stage-specific interventions to help both move into the next stage. In my experience, I often see couples […]
Tough Couple Challenge: Sparking the Desire for Change
Here you are, preparing to meet with a couple who came to you seeking wisdom and guidance that will lead them to a closer, more supportive relationship. Like other unhappy couples you’ve seen, this couple has implored you to show them the way. But as you begin defining the issues that are keeping them apart, […]
Tough Couple Challenge: Do You Take On Too Much Responsibility?
A few weeks ago, Dr. Peter Pearson and I were talking with fellow therapists about a pattern we’ve all fallen into at one time or another. Pete is my husband and Couples Institute co-founder. We’re working with two partners who seem hopelessly stalled. One or both have such deep defenses that we feel ourselves walking […]
Building Effective Collaboration with a Highly Anxious Client
A common scenario that many of us see in our practices is the over-functioning wife with the anxious-avoidant husband. He is a highly anxious procrastinator and is often not accountable for what he says he will do. Working with this dynamic can be challenging because of the extensive intrapsychic issues that exist with the longstanding […]
Losing Direction: When Intimacy Avoiders Lead You Astray
Partners who desperately want intimacy often push it away. It’s easy to lose direction with them. They demand more openness from their partners but then deflect, attack or give double messages when their partners are more open. Let’s look at how you might work with a couple named Sue and Joe. Sue expresses ongoing frustration […]
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