Losing Momentum: When One Partner Keeps Obsessing about the Details of a Partner’s Affair
In today’s world of cell phones, text messages and emails, it has become much easier for partners to unearth infidelity – and to be able to follow the communication trail between lovers.
A couple comes to see you after an affair has been discovered. They are in crisis. You know how to handle the immediate crisis and how to slow them down and discourage them from making rash decisions about their future.
Even though the sessions are painful, progress is being made. Then 6-8 sessions later, momentum slows in a common way. The betrayed partner can’t stop obsessing about details and wanting to know everything about what occurred.
Sessions revolve around questions like:
- Where did you sleep with them?
- How many times?
- What did they have that I don’t have?
- What were you thinking when you wrote this email (or that text)?
The questions become unrelenting and the search for more evidence doesn’t stop.
When this process goes on for too long, it just increases the pain for both partners and leaves you feeling helpless.
For you to keep positive momentum going, it helps a lot to know when obsessing is valuable and when it’s not.
Obsessing and pursuing details can actually be very helpful for betrayed partners to:
- Know what is lost and what they are grieving.
- Externalize intrusive thoughts and images and get some reality testing.
- Get important questions answered directly and honestly.
- Create shared understanding about what actually happened at confusing times in the past.
- Start putting a clear boundary back around the primary relationship.
And in some situations, getting the details reveals that the affair took place in the context of a good marriage and actually “was not personal.”
However, ongoing obsessing is NOT valuable in other ways:
- It enables the betrayed partner to remain distant and avoid looking at their own issues.
- The betrayed partner’s vulnerability stays hidden.
- It may perpetuate the same distance that was a catalyst for the affair.
- It keeps Persecutor-Victim dynamics going.
- It may result in the betrayed partner re-traumatizing themself with no relief or repair.
When you are confronted with ongoing obsession, you walk a delicate line. To maintain momentum you must be able to support the positive aspects of uncovering details while discouraging the processes that are destructive.
It takes practice to learn to confront the patterns that maintain regression, while simultaneously supporting the betrayed partner in making a good decision for themself about the future.
- Please comment yes or no if you had thought about the positive value of obsessing about details. Do you see other positives or other negatives?
- To learn more about confronting the patterns that maintain regression visit Developmental Model.
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Good morning, Yes I have given some thought to the benefit of repetitive questioning as I had one partner who was Not telling the whole truth and the other senses it. I figured really getting things out on the table would help in the moving on. Still I Had Not thought out the number you have and that is a terrific help. I like the part about putting a solid boundary around the relationship.
Best regards,
Patrice Wolters
Licensed Psychologist
I find that it is difficult for a spouse to move past the affair unless they are able to ask as many questions as they need in order to gain an understanding…. but once that process is complete, I try to focus on the present interactions of the couple to move them past the affair…
I believe complete disclosure is vital as not only a genuine indication of repentance but also a personal source of reconciliation with oneself as the betrayer. Lets face it, we have to live with ourselves too.
Thank you Ellyn. This is very useful to get an awareness of the different implications of obsessing within the context of gaining and losing momentum in therapy. Following up on your thoughts, I think that obsessing in the aftermath of infidelity is protective when getting in contact with the self is overwhelming and so being obsessed with the details helps the betrayed partner distance her/himself by keeping the focus on the other. This is the preparatory phase before the grieving process can take place. The negative side of ongoing obsessing is that it maintains the status quo and blocks the betrayed from doing the grief work. This may be an indication of an unindividuated person who derives her/his sense of identity primarily from being involved in a relationship.
Helping couples after the trauma of intimate partner abuse requires clinical attention to the nature of trauma recovery. obsessive/intrusive thouhts are symtpom of trauma and must be treated as such. I have learned so much in recent years and hope our field will catch up soon regarding infidelity recovery.
When therapists hypothesize that this real PTSD symptom is interfering with couples progress, we miss the first step. assessment. we also contribute to the common falacious cultural narrative “It [The victime’s response] may perpetuate the same distance that was a catalyst for the affair”. This statement shifts blame from the person who deceived and endangered their unsuspecting partner onto the victim.
We (therapists and patients) want to believe any explanation other than a beloved and trusted partner is secretly endangering a partner who is unable to protect his or herself from STDs, privacy invasion, and potential financial and job/ career risks. and if children are involved, generational trauma transmission.
Obsessive thoughts about adultery in the betrayed partner are intrusive thoughts. These are normal signs of PTSD after discovery. EMDR or other non traditional approaches are needed to treat this. without treatment, these symptoms can disrupt individual functioning for a very long time. couoles therapy cannot begin or proceed while a person is still in shock.
With the hundreds of patients i have treated over the years, when such high anxiety is present in the betrayed partner, it has been systems signal that he or she is not safe, and the affair and deceit are continuing. the unfaithful spouse was gaslighting everyone – including therapists.
Regarding blaming the betrayed partner, e.g. “distance ” in a relationship, or a host of other normal marital challenges that occur across the lifespan of a marriage. There are many ways to address unmet needs and boundaries without deceit and endangering a partner. We need to focus blame where it belongs, and hold the offender accountable. Lengthy affairs and chronic deceit are most often reflective of character disorder, addiction, mood disorder – or all three. these need to be assessed and sucessfully treated in both partners (if present) prior to couples therapy.
We do a grave disservice to patients when we continue the cultural narrative of blameshifting onto the victime after intimate partner abuse. Intrusive thoughts are just one of the harmful – normal PTSD – consequences to the betrayed partner. in one case i treated, the unsuspected spouse was being followed by the jealous/ unstable boyfriend of her husband’s married adulteress. he harassed her as a way to get back at her husband who “stole his girlfriend” ..and he was married. (not makning this up) i had used a traditional model of couples therapy (unsuccessfully) and i learned the importance of thorough clinical assessment from this case.
Your developmental model for couples may work for couples prior to infidelity.
Perhaps the wisest approach to treating post infidelity couoles is:
1)thorough clinical assessment (MMPI/ other psych testing) keeping in mind infidelity is often indicative of NPD,BPD
2) treat individual symptoms with individual therapy
3) begin couples therapy after each individual is stable, transparent, and has freely decided to recommit to a relationship
Many couples successfully recover from infidelity, many do not. We are responsible for using best practices re: the nature of trauma. Asess and treat..and continue assessing and treating. Intimate partner abuse in the form of adultery requires the gold standard of clinical treatment as we monitor our own assumptions and influence by popular cultural myths about infidelity.
Well said!!! Thank you! Working as a betrayed partner trauma coach and sex/ porn addiction coach I agree with everything you said! A betrayed partner that stays with the betrayer needs all the support they can get from us, as a lot of them will not get the support from family, friends and spiritual leaders.
Nicola, you make some interesting points. It seems your hope is for “our field to catch up regarding infidelity recovery” by recognizing and treating trauma in the betrayed person with Individual therapy, such as EMDR.
However, regarding your suggested sequence for a wisest approach, perhaps we share the notion that people won’t seek relief from their own symptoms when they believe those are appropriate and correct for the situation. (The subconscious and distal function is, of course, to protect them from further harm or hurt.) I wonder whether this can be most successfully pursued AFTER the betrayed has had some opportunity to explore and express the extent of their losses by confronting and questioning their spouse? And would this not occur most productively in some kind of contained couples therapy?
Your additional suggestion that the offending partner also have individual treatment could certainly also be indicated in many cases. However, to the extent that any “character disorder, addiction, mood disorder” (you highlight NPD) is ego-syntonic or denied by them, what would be their motivation to participate in individual therapy? Any leverage of the pending loss of the relationship seems rather orthogonal to the kind of internalized motivation that would be needed for real transformation, rather than just an individual therapist’s absolution. I’ve seen this, that a betrayer goes through their own individual therapeutic journey, but as a kind of bypass or forestalling, where they lose any benefit of witnessing their partner’s pain, while the hurt partner misses any opportunity to witness the offender’s underlying pain and genuine regret (or even more importantly, any lack thereof.) After this work is done alone, the offending partner claims to have already done the work, but without it being witnessed by the other, the subsequent couples therapy is quite empty.
I wonder, if we were to agree that there can typically be, let’s call it “primary blame” to be assigned to a betrayer, and accountability needed from a betrayer, could we also agree that, at some point, normal but dysfunctional systemic interactions within the couple can often play a part in the onset of infidelity, without excusing it? I would say, the subtle distinction between reasons and excuses is not incidental, but crucial to healing. Esther Perel is notable for normalizing rather than pathologizing the common motivations of infidelity, and the prevalence of infidelity certainly supports this view.
Expanding upon this, we very gently make some space for flexibility around a rigid victim/perpetrator stance. Ellyn’s model is only one of many making the point that we “walk a delicate line” in facilitating the hurt partner’s investigations without encouraging obsessing over details that can be counter-productive and re-traumatizing. From the therapist’s point of view, it’s not a matter of shifting blame, but what is going to be needed in order for a relationship to move forward. If the hurt partner cannot yet see that, the process has not been gradual and gentle enough.
Perhaps, in your view, it is actually impossible for couples therapists to act properly as a primary therapist within their mandate, which is prioritizing the relationship for what it might become? I can see a potential claim that any therapist should have more allegiance to individual welfare than to the relationship, and I think that’s always something for couple therapists to keep in mind. Yet, when couples present to a couple therapist in the wake of infidelity, they are signalling that they want to pursue some sort of process or journey together, rather than two individual therapy journeys. Would redirecting them to individual therapy be in keeping with respecting their agency?
I myself think couples therapy does provide opportunities to more thoroughly explore all the aspects of an infidelity and grow from that, regardless of the eventually chosen outcome.
Thanks Dr. Based for this valuable information. I agree especially with PaPatrice’s point. I think it is very important for the couple to bring out their hard to talk Issues as soon as possible. Couples tend to internalize their feelings and act out impulsively when he or she does not get validated.
I find that often the “obsessing” is a piece of the trauma that was experienced. I have had some success using EMDR for the obsessions that can’t seem to be worked through within the dyad or in therapy.
I know many betrayed partners of Sex/Porn addicts who had very much success through EMDR. Nicole, thank you for your understanding and your work! Many times there is need for individual support for the betrayed like, boundaries ,the need for grief work, anger work and if infidelity is due to unwanted sexual behavior, education. There should be individual work for the betrayer as well. Wounds from childhood need to be worked on, they why often has nothing to do with the spouse. FYI 80% of betrayed partners suffer from PTSD after betrayal.
Very good points, Nicola!!
Ellyn,
Such excellent points you make! I too have worked with couples in which the obsessing about the affair has been destructive to the repair needed in the marriage. I love your emphasis on recognizing that a therapist must be able to walk a fine line between supporting the betrayed partner and confronting regressive behaviors. This so beautifully engages both partners in the process as opposed to simply blaming one or the other.
In response to what was written before, while PTSD can be an outcome for some betrayed partners, I do not think that PTSD symptoms accounts for all of the couples we see who obsess after an affair. Especially if it’s been some length of time since the affair occurred. There are some people who have affairs who are genuinely unhappy in their relationships and do not have the strength to confront the issue. This is one of many reasons that a partner can cheat. Being able to repair this trauma requires both parties to feel respected and understood.
I forget which master family therapist suggested prescribing a set time once a week for the betrayed person to ask all of her obsessive questions and her partner must answer kindly and honestly for one hour a week, After that the subject is taboo until the set time the following week. I found that this method worked to help calm the situation between them during the week and if necessary they brought up concerns that included her questions about the the affair during our sessions.
I have found this to be useful as well.
What about when the betrayed partner doesn’t seem too affected by the infidelity? There aren’t questions or conversations about it. Just, “I forgive you. Now let’s move on.” The offending partner feels like it should be more than a mere bump in the road, and was hoping that this could be a catalyst for a new direction.
Great points. Good insight. Always find these articles helpful.
Have a new situation when the betrayed partner presents with story of police visit to their home to report the death of partner in a hotel room when the affair was totally unsuspected.
Thanks Dr. Bader for your insightful posts which come from years of excellent practice with individuals and couples. I very much appreciate what you offer to us, your readers.
Wanting to know the details can be a way of re-establishing partnership. If the betrayed spouse feels included in the details, it can be a way of being together in the affair. By sharing the details with the spouse, it is now the ex-lover who, in a sense, is the victim of betrayal because the affair is no longer secret and sacrosanct.
I think that there is a bit of gender in here that is not being addressed. I would love to hear the stats on men who have a relationship outside their marriage and are caught by the wife versus women who have a relationship outside their marriage and are caught by the husband.
I check in with the betrayed partner about whether knowing ‘harms’ them more or not and focus on the affair being about the other partner as well not a statement necessarily about them. I like Michelle- Weiner Davis work on the seperate journey of healing for each person
Yes, because if there is guilt in the person who betrayed, that blocks intimacy and connection as well. The person who betrayed has their own healing to do. Especially there is a need to understand the meaning of the affair for both partners.